shame on you

yes I'm pregnant

no I don't have a wedding ring

can you not find joy in one without the other?

//

It’s been shocking to me how much shame has come up - in and around me - being a single mum.

A single mother - oh the media imaging, the hushed tones of ancestors, the apology of explanation. I try out other forms for it - solo mother, flying solo. Simply mother. But a mother [and indeed father] without the other is still other - the flickers of shock and pity have not yet washed us beyond these hetronormative expectations - expectations I have not lived up to. And so I am banished to a land of otherness.

I have been othered by myself and society, assumptions have been made that have cut bitter and sore. In some way it has made me queerer than my under the same roof counterparts. My dear friend who studies queer theory delights! I understand the inbuilt shocker of people ask questions with so many assumptions inside them.

//

I’m in the park with my daughter.

What does your husband do?

I don’t know. I haven’t met them yet.

//

My daughter asks me if we can get married.

Oh darling. We don’t need to get married love. We’re a family. Us two.

I love you, shamelessly, no vows required.

In sickness and in health, til death us do part.