you never know what someone's carrying

running late for nursery this morn -

bollocks, no milk, I dry shampoo my hair and use mouthwash!

let’s get a taxi and stop for coffee and croissant on the way?

super fast speed - let’s make it happen.

Today you want to pretend to be Alice the school girl and carry your bag - ok great.

Let’s go!

the taxi man is waiting - he is grumpy…

or maybe something more…

how are you faring? I ask.

Dreadful, hen.

the story pours out …

a trio of imminent losses and resources - mentally, physically, emotionally and financially - are depleted.

So we chat at the curb and stop the hurry. It doesn’t matter that we’re late. Perhaps it’s perfect. Just like this.

That people meet at the right time, in the right way and connect beyond the losses and the lateness. We meet somewhere in the middle. Human to human. My little one announcing herself as a giraffe - bringing laughter and release. Me announcing myself as a celebrant that works with the wonderful ‘A Quiet Revolution’ who currently have an offer for free services to families who need them - bringing hope and relief. And the taxi driver announcing himself as someone who could be in need of a celebrant - I hope relieved.

I give him my number, I hope he phones.

And I know I’ve spilled my breaking, grieving heart to many a taxi driver on the road to the Beatson to meet my fading mum. I know. I know that grief is hard to hold. And I’ve learnt not to hold it. To contain it, yes. But not to hold it. To find ways to release it - in manageable waves, in searing oceans and howling aching cries in song.

So me and a little giraffe walk slowly together - perfectly on time for nursery suddenly - can you take your bag please, love? No I don’t want to - she is skipping. For what’s the hurry? Today I only have self imposed timelines.

We get a croissant and coffee.

Why was he grumpy, mummy?

Well, love. You never know what people are carrying.

She needs more information to understand. And I walk with my mum, as I share with Peggy, as she munches into her chocolate croissant which leaves a dusting of snow on her little nose.

Sometimes when we are carrying a lot of sadness we try and hold it in and it makes us grumpy. Our emotions can get heavy and sometimes we need someone else to carry our bag. So we can skip a while.